1000 Words on Ambivalence

It’s been one month. I feel like I’m on the 8th date with some guy who everyone said would be perfect for me. Years of build up. “Oh my goodness! You HAVE to meet this one. He’s just for you!” And now here we are, together at another café, on another walk, taking another bus. I’m not swooning. I even get a bit cranky when he calls.
He’s a little handsy. He orders for me in restaurants. He’s a bit pushy. He doesn’t really like how I dress. And yet I seem to still be on these dates.
Now, don’t get me wrong. He’s not so ugly, though he’s not quite my type. He’s not mean to me – he’s certainly never hit me – but I feel like there’s this aggressiveness to him. While he says I’m right for him, I don’t like how he treats his brothers and it makes me a bit worried about how he’d treat me in the long term. All in all, it’s doesn’t feel like love is in the air.

No, I’m not talking about LMN. (The state of our union is strong.) I’m talking about Israel. While I did have to break up with NYC to be with him, we’ve agreed that we’re still allowed to see other cities while we’re together.

The start to this year has been neither as bad as I feared nor as good as other people seemed to expect. People seem so excited to learn about this year, like it’s an amazing gift to get to spend a year in Israel. Like Israel is this exceptional place that is both the spiritual and ethnic center of our people AND a really fun place to live. It’s like if Constitution Hall, Lexington and Concord, the World Trade Center, Mount Rushmore, and Disney Land were all in Las Vegas.

But I’m just not so sure this is love.

Now, I’ve decided that I get to decide how unhappy I am for this year. Happiness doesn’t have to be a state that either exists or doesn’t exist inside me. So I’m working on it, especially since being happy where I am is one of my strengths. But, ummm, this is going to take some work. With a bunch of effort, I’ve gotten myself up to a pretty solid ambivalence.

I’m trying to figure why people who seem to LOVE Israel do. What’s the A-MAZ-ING part? I’ve heard lots of hubbub about the food. Now, I’m not starving but I don’t get the appeal. I’m thinking that a lot of it has to do with meat and kashrut. If you’re a big meat eater and/or you only eat in kosher restaurants, Israel must be great! There’s all this meat and you can eat anywhere! That’s exceptional freedom.
But I eat out vegetarian anywhere. So the food is not much different than what I can get in Boston. Granted, the falafel is better and there’s all these pastries, but I try to watch my calories and have no gall bladder; how much oily food can I really consume before the thrill is not only gone, but is replaced by deep dissatisfaction? Also, I’m a cheap-ass mofo (technical term), and I just don’t want to spend lots of money eating out all the time.
But EMN, there’s the SHUK! So many fresh vegetables!! Yes. It’s very nice. I’m purchasing them and cooking with them. But is this different from my CSA?

But, EMN, it’s beautiful! The rolling hills, the expansive dessert, the Jerusalem Stone buildings!
Well, while I won’t deny these things exist, they’re not really my cup of tea. Sure, it’s amazing that the desert is sustaining life. Sure, it’s sort of fun to be able to see all these houses in the mountains. Sure, my mind is a bit blown to think about how old this all is. But it’s not my favored aesthetic. I miss the Art Deco skyscrapers in Manhattan and the Painted Lady Victorian houses in Boston. I like seeing grass and not wondering if it’s really appropriate because of all the water it takes. And I’m getting wistful thinking that all the leaves are changing in New England without me. I’ve gone to Beer Sheva three times in the past 5 days and I’m watching all this desert go by. This is why we’re fighting?! I feel like it looks like the surface of the Moon. (Though, I guess if we could sustain mediocre cities on the moon, that would be worth fighting for. Lord knows we’re going to need them…)

But there’s so many Jews, EMN! Isn’t it amazing to be around so many Jews? Ummmm, only sort of. It kinda gives me the willies (another technical term). I’m at a bus stop right now and the wall is covered with posters saying the Rebbe is the messaiah and spraypaint saying that Rav Kahane was right. Being in close proximity to a critical mass of these Jews makes me feel safer?!
Some people talk about how amazing Shabbat is in Jerusalem, but I think I’m least enthused about that day. That’s the day when everything is reserved for being religious. And I’m not sure I like having a day where the Religious people and I lose the secular common ground that we have in the shuk or on the bus. We’ve peeled away the layers of commerce and are left with only our differences -- I’m sorry – our lovely diversity that they want to celebrate with shame and condemnation of my practice.
Sure, I’ve found nice places to daven. I’ve found pits of safety and comradery. But I know I can’t daven in my tallit and tfillin my front yard like I did in Boston. I’m not interested in adding shouting to Shacharit.

I know I could work to change things, and I very well might. But I don’t see why quitting my job, putting my schooling on hold, and leaving my comfortable life was such an exciting prospect. Now I get to have a year to be somewhat uncomfortable while fighting for equality! Is that the A-MAZ-ING experience people have been talking about?

(This post has been sponsored by Socioeconomic Privilege, Cultural Capital, and the letters K, V, E, T, C, and H.)